The US Is Ready To Stop Pretending We Like Soccer. We Really Just Like Winning, And America.

I haven’t seen a sport galvanize an entire country quite like this since Algeria’s “Stand for Silence” during the Summer Squash Classic of 1914 (and we all know how that ended). Soccer stock is at an all-time high in the US, and you know what? I’m buying. I’ve been a die-hard fan my whole life as of recently. And so is much of the rest of the country.

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The First Picture That Came Up For US Soccer

Ever since becoming die-hard soccer fans a few weeks ago, we knew the emotions and actions an impending loss would breed. Anguish, confusion, indifference, our alcoholic step-fathers beating us senseless until there’s blood where it shouldn’t be. All across the country people are returning to cubicles today with no hopes of getting out of work a few hours early due to a USA game being on. Men and women in their 20’s living in major cities are now struggling to find excuses to get drunk at a bar midday during the week.

Sure we can reflect on how center-back Clay Dempsey had trouble kicking the ball at times, or how Tom Howard and the other guy in the structure with four white posts and a net seemed to be the only people using their hands. But let’s not dwell on the fact that we lost and look at this World Cup as a success for the USA. I don’t understand why we should do this if we lost, but that’s what the soccer analysts keep saying so I’m going to listen to them.

A Couple Of Guys Enjoying a Game of Futbol

A Couple Of Guys Enjoying a Game of Futbol

It is clear that whether we’re ready for it or not, soccer is sweeping the US by storm. As of this time last year, 97% of 7-year-old kids playing soccer switched to football (7 is known as the so-called “transition age”). This year’s percentage? All the way down to 96.2%. It seems that all of this soccer craze has made parents much more willing to raise their sons to be pussies.

10-Month Old Jack Sodenberg. Future Cristiano Ronaldino

10-Month Old Jack Sodenberg. Future Cristiano Ronaldino

Along with its increased popularity, another reason to be excited as a US Soccer fan is the new crop of rising prospects that seem destined for greatness in the future. Last week I interviewed 10-month-old Jack Sodenberg from Scottsdale, Arizona, a midfielder currently being hailed as the next Larry Donovan for his great instincts and ability to use both feet. Already at 2’10” and 25 lbs, Sodenberg is well on his way to possessing a World Cup-type frame.

I asked Jack who he mirrors his game after, and he responded with a few indecipherable words. I don’t know what I was thinking trying to interview Jack..he’s only a baby for Christ sake. Chalk it up as bad journalism I guess.

Well folks, the world cup is over and you can stop pretending. Baseball, Hockey, Football, and Basketball.. we apologize for that. America has always loved winning more than anything, and that is what we can all rally around when our country represents on the world’s stage. I’d say we did a pretty damn good job. Stay wise, and stay patriotic.

Ron How Do You Feel About Soccer Being Over?

Ron How Do You Feel About Soccer Being Over?

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