“If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Argentina vs. Brazil instead of Propofol, he’d still be alive, although bored.”

Featured left: Neymar. Featured right: Ann Coulter
Featured left: Neymar. Featured right: Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter is a Lawyer, outspoken female, self proclaimed jerk, and right wing activist, who has become famous for not being afraid to “go there”. If you’ve never heard of her you are probably a normal person who should be commended for their lifestyle. Ann has recently made an important press release on her website concerning the current status of foreign trade policy. Wait, that’s not it. Oh yeah it’s on the waffling state of troop deployment in the middle-east. Shit, that wasn’t it either. Oh of course, its ripping down soccer for being the softest game on the planet.


Is in fact the title of the article. Now logically you’re thinking “Ok Ann, subtle title, now tell me how you really feel” and she does not disapoint. Beginning a nine point list of why Soccer is not American, and down right awful. Her article is in large-part a rejection of liberal ideas and European habits of life all together. She argues that the same people who think we should switch to the metric system are the same who think soccer is growing in the U.S, and the very same who think every child deserves the “hey you suck, but you tried” trophy.

The article itself is interesting enough and really doesn’t need any embellishment. Seriously what I’m saying is go read her article, go, seriously stop reading this and go click her link at the bottom.

Still here? Well here are some of our favorite quotes from Ms. Coulters unbelievable rant about soccer. (Note: None of these statement are doctored.)

Ann Coulter Taking Down Soccer Street Fighter Style
Ann Coulter Taking Down Soccer Street Fighter Style

(1) “Do they even have MVPs in soccer? Everyone just runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in. That’s when we’re supposed to go wild. I’m already asleep.”

(2) “Liberal moms like soccer because it’s a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed”

(3) “No other “sport” ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer.”

(4) “If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Argentina vs. Brazil instead of Propofol, he’d still be alive, although bored.”

(5) “Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In hockey, there are three or four fights a game — and it’s not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box.” **(She should have tagged @ChirpHard in that one)

(6) “What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here’s a great idea: Let’s create a game where you’re not allowed to use them!”

(7) “The number of New York Times articles claiming soccer is “catching on” is exceeded only by the ones pretending women’s basketball is fascinating.”

(8) “I note that we don’t have to be endlessly told how exciting football is.”

(9) “One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not “catching on” at all, is African-Americans. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it.” ** That is just funny.

(10) “In soccer, the women’s games are as thrilling as the men’s.”

**Editors note** This is an absolute dig at the sport as a whole, at least if you can understand Ms.Coulter’s tone. That one cut deep. A relentless display of sarcasm and savagery.

(11) “Remember when the media tried to foist British soccer star David Beckham and his permanently camera-ready wife on us a few years ago?…That lasted about two days. Ratings tanked. No one cared.”

(12) “If more “Americans” are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer.”

What is remarkable is she distinctly proves her allegiance to not watching soccer so aggressively, that she clearly has never actually watched a game. This is obvious due to the fact that nowhere in her release does she mention flopping. This admission from the list should be a point of relief for the soccer community, as it is one of, if not the, least respectable happenings in all of sports.

Well that’s Ann Coulter for you, respectable stance of opinions, ruthless delivery.

Follow @AnnCoulter for more Ann Coulter.

And here is the original link to her websites article:http://www.anncoulter.com/columns/2014-06-25.html

Have any thoughts on flopping, or soccer in America? leave it in the comments section below.  Now here are some Flopping Gifs for your day.

He actually hit himself in the face
He actually hit himself in the face
That had to hurt his...face?
That had to hurt his…face?
Eleven stitches
Eleven stitches