The final installment of the gel-filled 3 part series concludes with 2 world class pretty boys playing up top. A certain high school football coach of mine (and every other coach, ever) has proclaimed that “defense wins championships”. Well I don’t buy that. If defense actually mattered, the All-Hair Team would instead be the All-Skinhead Team; consisting of a bunch of try-hards that live for blocking set-pieces with their numbed groins. Although I didn’t factor in how fiercely these forwards bite opposing defenders, I managed to select some top-tier strikers and I even named a Manager and Referee as an added bonus. Enjoy.
Referee: Nestor Pitana (Argentina)
To be honest, I have to give my father the credit for this pick because he sent me a text when I was at the gym to point out good ol’ Nestor’s hair. And yes, believe it or not, I do get off my ass from occasion when I’m not drooling on the couch, infatuated with men’s hair during World Cup games. Upon turning on the game I couldn’t help but notice that Nestor Pitana is indeed the Ed Hochuli of World Futbol. His pythons rival those of Ed Hercules and his comb-over is unfathomably tight. His hair might not be a thick as Luis Suarez’s skull, but quality side-part could easily land him on Wall Street if he ever decides to hang up his boots. Rumor has it that when Pitana is the man with the book, there is an unspoken agreement that players on the pitch know better than to whine about “how hard the defender love-tapped them” or else Nessy P is gonna bring the muthafuckin power. – Overall Rating: 7.8
Manager: Niko Kovac (Croatia)
This was a tough call because the more I watched Mexican gaffer Miguel Herrera and his “Bat out of Hell” Meat Loaf middle part, the more I loved him and his sideline antics. However, you can clearly tell that Kovac put nearly as much (if not more) effort into his hair as he did managing his team. His jet-black, slicked comb-over combined with his black suit, black tie getup belongs more on an antagonist in a 1960s James Bond movie. By far the best hair from the Croatians in the tournament; but don’t be surprised if he keeps a silenced pistol in his breast pocket. – Overall Rating: 7.8
Honorable Mentions: Miguel Herrera (Mexico), Louis Van Gaal (Netherlands)
RF: Olivier Giroud (France)
Considered a controversial pick by some, in my eyes Olly Giroud was a clear-cut favorite to make the team. He’s a goal-poacher for London-based club Arsenal and plays the same role for his native France. Standing at 6’4”, Giroud some would consider him quite the aerial threat. However, with remarkable hair like his, it’s not uncommon if he’s caught off-sides while fixing his hair rather than challenging for a header potentially detrimental to his hold. In the most heterosexual way possible, this guy is just straight up gorgeous and his hair is the icing on the cake. France has been dominating the World Class Hair in this tournament, and it’s translating into success on the pitch. As the French strut onto the field lead by Giroud and fellow All-Hair Teammate Paul Pogba, opposing teams can’t help but to accept defeat before the opening whistle even blows. – Overall Rating: 8.8
Honorable Mentions: Nabil Ghilas (Algeria), Neymar (Brazil), Remy Cabella (France), Antoine Greizmann (France)
LF: Cristiano Ronaldo – Captain (Portugal)
Last, but certainly not least, Cristiano Ronaldo makes captain as the final man in the starting XI. It’s hard to believe he’s almost 30, but his consistent trendiness in on-field hairstyles inspires youth footballers worldwide. For now, we’ll forget his gut-wrenchingly beautiful cross that connected for a header goal to deny the US 3 points. Although he’s been recently dubbed “soccer’s perfect villain” by the Wall Street Journal, Cristiano’s “zig-zag” haircut he sported for the USA game wasn’t merely a trend he was trying to set, it was for a cause other than looking better than everyone else. According to some recent reports which have yet to be confirmed or denied, the Portuguese Forward paid 50,000 Euro for a young fan’s brain surgery; and after a successful surgery, Ronaldo shaved a zig-zag pattern into the side of his head in honor of his heroic young fan. Although I admit that what Ronaldo allegedly did for his young fan was really cool, his hair was really the best part of that Public Relations bullshit heartwarming story.
Cristiano’s reputation for flopping (not around Nestor Pitana) and his incredible talent has made him the LeBron James of soccer with many detractors. As an appreciator of all sports, especially ones that promote physical contact, it is rather difficult to watch him whine when he gets out-muscled in a challenge or misses a chance on goal. However, as an appreciator of great hair, in my head I can justify any on-field behavior he might have with, “just look at that hair though…Niiiiiiice”. Forbes lists him as the number 2 highest grossing athlete in the world, raking in a cool $80 million dollars annually. He makes $52 Million in base salary and $28 Million from endorsements. Basically what I’m getting to here is that 85% of his yearly cash comes directly as a result of his hair, according to my incredibly accurate calculations. Real Madrid pays him $40 Million per year just to have the best hair on the pitch and 100% of his endorsements are contingent on maintaining World Class Hair, or else he’d be dropped quicker than Tiger Woods when they realized he was a “sex addict”. –Overall Rating: 9.6
So there you have it folks, the 2014 World Cup All-Hair Team by position, now get out there and find your style.