Two things are important right now, starting at number 2) The World Cup, and 1) Descending numerical lists: we’ve got em’ both. We’ve already brought you the world’s hottest countries and the best hair on the field #1H1T (part 3 coming Wednesday 6/25). It’s only justice to finally discuss the beautiful game of futbol WILD fuckin’ fans in Brazil. Without further (Freddy) Adu, I give you the top 5 fans of this year’s world cup.
At number 5: Captain America
At number 5 is the United States superfan repping the Captain America look. The photo shows the world exactly what America is about, raw power and extinct dinosaurs. I seriously cannot overplay how hilarious the addition of the jersey wearing T-Rex is. Almost made his right hand the number 4 fan alone. The badass mask and casual bro sign are the icing on the cake, much respect. He’s also definitely the dude who blacks out and talks shit to Ghana and Portuguese fans that understand 0% of what he’s saying.
At number 4: These are $1700 tickets.
Coming in at number 4 is the reincarnation of Prince/Rhonaldino in Dachshund form. He made a run at the All-Hair Team, but was unfortunately left off for being a dog (get neutered Air Bud). From the blank stare, to the skintight jersey, it‘s easy to see this fan feeds off the excitement of the sport. While his friends were chasing air and getting their balls cut off he was in the film room dissecting formations. In a recent interview the animal was quoted saying ‘the elegant savagery that takes place on the pitch is what keeps my mind at ease’. With an IQ that is off the charts (he literally is watching a futbol game) every team should have a dog like this supporting them. All in all, great performance here.
At number 3: Ghana put a spell on you.
The Ghana Witchdoctor, aka scariest dude to ever breathe, comes in at number 3. Whether he’s chanting on Ghana or attempting to ruin Ronaldo’s life you have to respect his fanhood. This dude is definitely a savage at every task he does. Should’ve been casted in Alien v. Predator with those locks. If I’m the coach I’m sticking him on the sidelines for intimidation purposes alone. God only knows what medieval spell he’s casting while being photographed, the camera man had 2:1 odds he’d even show up in the photo. Surprised the camera didn’t blow up either.
PS: 75% sure he’s rocking a candy necklace.
PPS: Sorry (don’t voodoo me)
At number 2: Joey Freakin’ Biden
The number 2 spot goes to our Vice President. The relentless spirit and commitment Biden has is unequivocal. His tie might say red, white and blue, but his heart screams ‘Viva Futbol!’ Sitting there talking his granddaughters ear off about the old times playing at the schoolyard with what he called the ‘foreigners’. Look at that stance, calmly leaning forward waiting to burst with energy in the blink of an eye.
What’s that Brazil, its 90 degrees out with horrible humidity? Yeah, well this fresh suit isn’t going to wear itself. LOVE what Biden is bringing to the atmosphere in the stadium. Well deserving of the number 2 spot.
Disclaimer: Rumors are swirling that Biden has left the World Cup after the first United States game. Reports have stated that he was no longer interested after realizing it wasn’t American football being played 35 minutes into the match.
At number 1: The Ivory Coast Statue
Africa may not be performing on the field, but they have been crushing it in the stands. The number one spot goes to the Ivory Coast fanatic that doesn’t move all 90+ minutes of every game. As in, he is actually stationary from first whistle until the players leave the field. I would love to see this guys morning ritual. Body painted, hater blockers on, oversized earrings in. Time to statue.
Nothing gets the team going more than looking up in the stands and seeing their superfan doing aboslutely nothing, not cheering/moving. I hear he drinks a gallon of water before every match just to toy with the people around him. He is redefining the cheer game and making the logical transition from cheering fan to mannequin. I’m officially done yelling, strictly standstill from here on out. Congrats to the man who went all the way to Brazil to not move, you are the number one fan of the World Cup.