With the second installment of the World Cup All-Hair Team, we have some fiercely suave competitors at the midfield. As any good stylist can see, we’re running a 3-5-2. Now let’s get right to it.
LM: Saphir Taïder (Algeria)
One of many youngsters on the All-Hair Team, the Algerian middy fits in quite nicely on the left wing. At just 22 years of age, he’s a seasoned vet in the hair game. To be honest, his headshot on the FIFA site doesn’t do him justice because his hair alone makes the Algerian national team relevant. Recently transferred from Italian Serie A club Bologna to Inter, Saphir is getting recognized by the big guns for his internationally renowned hair and perhaps his actual soccer skill. I can’t exactly put my finger on how to categorize his hairstyle, so I’ll just file it along with the others in the “fire flames inferno” section. – Overall Rating: 8.2
LDM: Arturo Vidal (Chile)
Considered a “jack of all trades” in the midfield, Vidal is a hell of a player and has exquisite hair to go along with his play. He’s the first guy on the All-Hair Team to actually be a legit world footballer, but overall soccer talent was more irrelevant in my hair-rating system than Dwayne Wade in the NBA finals. He clearly puts tremendous effort into styling, but what puts Vidal on a pedestal are the supporting details. As if the carefully buzzed head isn’t enough to shift everyone’s eyes to his gelled mini-mohawk, he gets his ‘hawk outlined with racing stripes. Power move. But what really accents his “I’m better than you” hair are his neck tats, shaved eyebrow streaks, and thinly trimmed goatee. This guy does it all, he really does. Here’s to Vidal’s hair and those other 10 guys on his team knocking out the Spanish pricks from the Cup. – Overall Rating: 8.0
RDM: Paul Pogba (France)
The country of France doesn’t do a lot of things well, but they certainly came to play in this World Cup given their embarrassing showing 4 years ago. Although their play in 2010 was rather laughable, their hair was even worse. Since South Africa, Les Bleus put as much time into styling as their on-field training, and a key player in their success has been 21-year-old Paul Pogba.
Paul is a defensive midfielder who plays for Italian club Juventus alongside aforementioned Arturo Vidal. Pogba is like the King Midas of soccer, because every touch is gold. I don’t even know why opposing teams even bother to show up with a lethal combo like Vidal and Pogba outshining all other on the pitch. I’ve been following him for a few years now, and I love his potential (hair and actual soccer skill). Wikipedia says he “operates primarily as a midfielder and is comfortable playing both in attack and defense” –Of course he’s comfortable playing attack and defense, he’s Paul Fucking Pogba. Three months ago he wasn’t old enough to have a pint at the bar in the US, but he comes in hot with the highest rated hair in the midfield. – Overall Rating: 9.2
I’m convinced that Brad Pitt swagger jacked Pana’s coiffure for the Oscars this year, but my appeal is still pending. This was an obvious pick for me, even before his calculated sabermetric rating. If I was reincarnated as Greek soccer player, this would be the guy. He’s not afraid to rock the patchy beard with a quality ‘stache that grows in thicker than everything else(suspect). Love the facial hair game on Kone. #Kone2014. The thick-haired Mediterranean was a former teammate of our boy Saphir Taïder at Bologna. I just realized that all of my middies play on Italian teams –which ultimately means I should be a GM for a club in Serie A– sending my résumé over now. I did my research on this one and found that Pana Kone does modeling on the side, which is such a classic Pana Kone move. – Overall Rating: 8.6
CAM: Granit Xhaka (Switzerland)
The final midfielder in my elaborate 3-5-2 formation, Granit Xhaka, is the center man that will make attacking chances happen with his dribbling skills, clever passing, and superb hair. This downright pretty guy made the squad via Style Versatility tiebreaker, but he is fully worthy of his roster spot. With one of the more close-cropped do’s on the team, you’d imagine the hair potential would be rather limited. Not so fast, his hair is consistently one of the best and will “out-Euro” anyone else on the playing field. Not only does this kid have tons of hair potential, but his social media selfie-game is on point. If you didn’t know him as a world class central midfielder, you’d think he was the 6th member of One Direction. – Overall Rating 8.6
An honorable mention goes out to all the players in the World Cup, especially these guys, better locks next time fellas.
Marouane Fellaini (Belgium), Ivan Rakitic (Croatia), Raheem Sterling (England), Yohan Cabaye (France), Alexandre Song (Cameroon), Graham Zusi(USA)
Be on the lookout for part 3 Coming Wednesday (June 25th) where we crown our last two players, and perhaps a coach, maybe even a ref, who the hell knows.