The World Cup All-Hair Team: By Position (Part 1 of 3)

The game of football has been an important part of so many lives, and now that it’s World Cup time, America has to get right in the mix of it. A majestic game played by those all over the world with much better hair than 90% of Americans. Let’s get right into this. The All-Hair team players by position for the 2014 FIFA World Cup.

Goalkeeper

GK: Mitch Langerak, Australia

The first footballer to make the inaugural All-Hair Team hails from the land down under.  The 25 year-old Socceroo is the backup keeper for Borussia Dortmund and is also the 2nd in line for the Aussie squad.  Irrelevant.  The people want hair, not skill.  He’s a young buck with some decent talent, but most of that talent comes from his power swoop atop his head.  If his thought process is anything like mine, then he’s the smartest guy on the pitch.  “I clearly have the best hair on my squad, why I don’t I play a position where there is minimal movement to potentially ruin my flawless hold’.  Mitch Langerak, ladies and gents.  – Overall Rating: 8.4

Honorable Mention: Charles Itandje (Cameroon), Guillermo Ochoa (Mexico)

CB

CB

CB: Toby Alderweireld (Belgium)

It wouldn’t truly be an All-Hair team if we actually gave a shit about defense, so that’s why there are only 3 in my lineup.  But the highest rated defensive hair in the tournament made a serious push to be the team captain given his quality OHA (overall hair appearance) year in and year out.  The due has been absolutely crushing the hair scene ever since his first cap in ’09.  The Red Devil has been seen gallivanting around European bars breaking up marriages left and right.   – Overall Rating: 8.6

CB2

CB: Ermin Bicakcic (Bosnia and Herzegovina)

Unfamiliar with his hair talents because he is an average player on the club and international stage, it took me a few tries to even spell this guy’s name correctly.  To be honest it doesn’t really matter what his name is, because we’re here for the hair.  One hair, one team. #1H1T.  The dude’s hair stands up stiffer than a Cialis erection lasting longer than 4 hours.  A sleeper to make the starting XI for sure, but Ermin definitely gets the nod here.(Is that a poof?) – Overall Rating: 8.4

CB: John Boye (Ghana)

The Black Star cracks the final defensive spot with his unique two-toned hair.  Before you get any ideas, the Ghana National Team is referred to as the “Black Stars”.  Boye is scrappy, and we like that in a defender, especially given his obvious concern about his hair.  Granted, his teammates did take the more pompous route of shaving their numbers into the sides of their heads, but as a “man among Boyes”, he is above that.  Although he was the defender that roundhoused Dempsey in the nose we can forgive and forget. You simply cannot knock that hustle coupled with his leopard-like flow.  – Overall rating: 8.2

Be on the lookout for the Midfielders named to the 2014 All Hair Team coming soon.

A Major thanks to @PrezPnez who is the Creator of the All-Hair Team. He’s a good follow

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