The Top Four Hottest Countries Featured In The 2014 World Cup: Guest Author

Coming In At Number 4, Japan.

Coming in at Number 4, Japan.

Coming in at Number 4, Japan.

As you salivate over the Japanese girl above, what do you notice? That was a rhetorical question, so I hope you didn’t say the answer out loud and sound like an idiot. The answer is that they’re very good looking, strict 8.4’s/10 on the attractiveness scale. It’s the nature of Japanese women that they generally range from a 7.9-8.5, no more, no less. As the great Indian scientist Calib Goldberg wrote in his world-renown book Sexiness by Country: An International Guide to Fornication, “Oh yeah, definitely an 8.5 for the Japanese girls.

Additionally, along with their beautiful skin and generally pretty faces, these are the type of girls that you bring home to the mom. I just asked my mom if she remembered my Japanese girlfriend I brought to our house 2 years ago. She just said, “Brian, you’re next girlfriend will be your first.” I told her I know.

Coming in at number 3. Iran

At Number 3, Iran.

At Number 3, Iran.

The sleeper of the group. I’m sure most of you didn’t even have Iran advancing past the pool of 32. Probably had them getting eliminated in the round of 32 to a fierce German team suspected of injecting their females’ breasts with silicone and goat growth hormone, or at least being trounced in the round of 16 by Greece.

One aspect of the Iranian demographic that propelled them this high in the rankings is the prospect of the unknown, the realization that anything can be hidden beneath those burkas or headscarfs. If I had a dollar for every square inch of exposed skin on a female Iranian, I would have $5. That mystery factor is what revs my engine more than a ’67 Pontiac Roadcruiser.

Overall, the Iranian women’s combination of beautiful skin tone, strong yet regal facial features, and sense of exotic mystery gets them in the ballpark at #3.

At Number 2, Australia

The Aussis Take The Silver Medal

The Aussis Take The Silver Medal

Ahh yes, Australia. Where women flock like the salmon of the Capistrano. Where beautiful accents roll off the locals’ tongues more smoothly than syrup being spoon-fed to a stroke victim.

Sure Australia is known for their goulash and schnitzel, but that doesn’t stop the ladies from possessing bodies tighter than a Cherokee snare drum. Their combo of blonde hair, surfer bodies, and general coolness make Aussie chicks a lock in the top 5.

Another point of attractiveness is that Australian chicks are as horny as goats. Once spotted a tall, blond-haired Aussie across a bar in NYC. Like a proper alpha male I exposed my bright feathers and strong forelimbs and proceeded to gallop towards her. At the end of the night I asked her if she wanted to have sex. She said no and left with her friends.

And The Top Spot Goes to None Other Than, Brazil. 



Let’s face it .I would throw it in a tree if I could find a soft enough spot. But if the rest of the world is a standard Balsa hardwood, Brazil is your traditional aged Cedar tree harvested from the pristine Appalachian woodlands.

One of the first things that will make your meat loaf about these girls are their incredible assets. Stacked like a farmers daughter on both ends. Our crew currently on the ground in Brazil credits this to the fact that they only seem to be serving 2% milk down there, a move by the government that has clearly paid dividends in the country’s quest for the World Cup.

So overall, of all the women across the world that we would love to bend over and disappoint in the bedroom, Brazil sits atop the pinnacle. Just the thought of their incredible bodies and massive…personalities makes me reel back and start barking like a seal pup.


Thanks to Brian for the breakdown. If you’ve got something you think is informative or funny, send it in to


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