The 5 Tweeters We’d Like to Kill With Ten Stones

5) Coming in at number five, The Day to Day Tweeter: The friend who likes to post everything from what they’ve eaten for lunch to when there mother’s next cycle begins. Telling us everything under the sun, as if were all dying to get some of that Vitamin D there spewing out. After tweeting “hit the gym, now its time for some Ellen #moneyteam” do they expect 100 retweets and 65 favorites? Do they get upset when no one has so much as commented on there last 300 tweets? The only thing ill give them is resilience. They really are determined to tweet everything they do. Be it confidence or the big fuck you to all their followers. In any case, please evacuate my news feed.

4.) At number four, The Parody Account Retweet: The lowest form of twitter. This is the girl who retweets every half funny, half emotional tweet made by a celebrity parody account. This isn’t even the real person. Like if I created @TheRealWoodyHarrelson, I’d have middle-aged women retweeting the shit out of me. Your really retweeting a twitter troll who wants to target your emotional side, these accounts are the bottom of the barrel. A consistent parody on my feed is a fake, emotional Wiz Khalifa, better known as @Wizdom. I don’t care if you and fake Wiz Khalifa have the same hatred of going to sleep alone, keep it in the think-tank. Tweet for yourself, and not the 40 your old man behind a fake account that thinks “having trust is so hard when you can’t even trust yourself…”

3.) Cracking the top three is, The Overzealous Sports Tweeter: The kid who tweets about sporting events like he’s a goddamn analyst. Look bro, there’s espn, there’s real analysts and there’s real players; I don’t need your opinion on every single athletic event that takes place. The big games, the playoffs, the championships I can understand, but when it pains me to open twitter on a Sunday afternoon because your telling us about the Giants failed zone system I’m gonna have to ask you to cool the jets bucko. I cannot reiterate enough how little people care about your opinion on Andre Ethier’s error. On top of this, none of the women want it. They could give two fucks about how much you know sports. Your cutting out half your followers from the start, and I’d say out of your sex life in general. We get it, you like sports, keep it to your unsuccessful start up blog “J-Dogs Sports corner”.

2.) Numero dos, The Overachiever: This is the person who wont hesitate to make you feel like shit every time they click send. They don’t tweet often, they don’t say anything annoying, they just enjoy making you feel meaningless. There life is far superior to yours, and the hierarchy mustn’t fade.. The girl who got a great internship and the kid who’s loaded and tweets about his vacations with Biebs. I’d tweet that shit to, but I lack all resources. You’re making me feel worse about myself when I’m already a kid jogging to see my toes. Jealousy is a bitch. At least with the other annoying tweeters you can be like, wow I sympathize for how terrible of a person you are. With this guy, every tweet they send is a slap in the face. I get it, I’m a terrible, lifeless bum, while you’re flying around the world on your new friends jet, can we be friends, please?

1.) Taking the cake with most pathetic is, drum role please… “I Model” !!!! This girl has a special hatred in my heart. Maybe she’s friends with the ‘popular girls’ or is simply an arrogant bimbo, but she tweets like god is bowing down to her with skinned knees. Things like ‘can’t believe this kid won’t leave me alone’ or “grams asked me how I’m still single, told her guys can’t handle me” Like why the fuck would you respond to your grandma with that answer? How hard is it to look in ‘Dat Mirror’. I can look in a mirror and recognize, okay there are things that differentiate me from Brad Cooper, and this chick can’t. Do you want us to praise you, what is the last tick in your brain before you tell us how great you are? Oh also, continue to pay for your own glamour shots, Jesus. Get a grip, go to your one CC class until your done ‘figuring it out’ and get off of my newsfeed.

Honorable Mentions: Famous people tweeters, (Slim chance they answer, and if so, no one cares). The suburban town ghetto typer (just because you can type ghetto doesn’t mean your parents don’t have a 401k l0lz). The gossiper (lets keep this conversation between us, please don’t quote me).

There you have it people, see a fraction of yourself on this list? I am so sorry, here at Wise™  we just want to help and don’t want to see your followers dwindle, you understand, don’t you honey? Of course you do, now wise up, and give the people what they want.

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