Let’s Talk About a Night at UMASS


           I want to preface by saying one word, rural. Now lets begin, myself and a few compadres ventured into the land of UMass, Amherst. You may wonder if we simply got off “The UMass Exit”, but no, sadly this does not exist. 35 minutes of windy roads and questionable intersections, and you will find yourself in some very suburban settings. I’m talking woods, cul-de-sac, 2 car garage, and a babbling brook, kind of neighborhoods. This is where the majority of off-campus living takes place.

         Upon arrival, I had been expecting a small city, but I quickly realized that UMass might as well be the name of the town. Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m sure on a wild weekend, this place could get buck, but there were no slip&slides at the parties we went to, no group “chug” chants, and the student-strippers were limited. But none the less, ridiculous. First party we rolled into the neighbors were eating grass on no less than 100 Hectares of land, I am in-fact referring to cows. This place was located approximately in the middle of nowhere, but hey let’s not judge a book by its cover. We stroll in to find a good amount of people, about 80% of them had long hair and hoodies, beanies were a regular, and it was not that cold, man the amount of flannels was insane, everyone catches my drift here. We cruise about the party, meeting people “Where you from bro?”, its all good. We venture upstairs to discover “The Room” 3-4 couches, all filled, a lot of bloodshot eyes (which reminds me to tell you about the bathroom guy) and a cardboard cut-out of the Dos-equis dude with a sombrero on, did I walk into the set of Out Cold starring Zach Galafaniakis? Oh and the beards, I’d say 60%+ on these cats. But anywho, this looked like an opium den sponsored by the winter X-games. Now not to get confused, everyone was very nice, even the guy I heard planning a threesome for later on in the night, was really nice. Oh and did I mention dreadlocks? Yea, no joke there.

          So we decide its about time to hit the next soiree,  but I’ve got to run the rain cycle first. I find the bathroom, and give it a quick knock (courtesy knock), the voice inside replies “ One sec..pause.. bro”, and that’s fine. He walks out with the jitters like he just huffed three Redbulls, eyes shot and sniffling like he had allergies from just mowing Fenway Park with two pair of scissors, this guy had one good time in there. He promptly makes eye contact with me, and utters something completely undistinguishable, subtitles wouldn’t help me with this one. I respond with a “ You too, man. Thanks!” a quick trip and were off to the next party.

           One pissed-off cab driver later, and were at the next party-spot. Like, how the hell are we supposed to know what 24 bucks is, split between six people? Anyways, this place is cool, basement danceparty, crazy lights, DJ with the turntables, the works. After a few sessions of absolutely meaningless robotic grinding, we decide this is no longer the chill-spot. And for the record, if you don’t know her name, you are allowed to walk away at any point without warning. We gander upstairs to mingle in the kitchen a bit, now were all feelin’ ourselves, chit chattin a little, you know, party etiquette, when I’m approached by a female, she’s cute. She starts swinging fingers around and says “I’m deaf, I don’t know if you want to talk to me” (No, I will not attempt to put the deaf accent into words). Now I could care less, people are people, I let her know that it’s completely fine and ask her how her night is going. She replies with more rapid hand motions and says “ I can’t really hear you”. I move in closer (as if that will really change anything) and the next thing I know she goes “I’m not deaf” in perfect pronunciation. THE BROAD WAS FAKING IT. Im taken aback, offended, upset, a little impressed, and slightly turned on. But is this the kind of move characteristic of UMass? I knew these kids were crazy but this was downright INSANE. Don’t worry, I proceeded to let her know she was an awful human being, but she had balls (metaphorically). We left this party, fake-deaf girl out of sight, out of mind. 

          Can someone tell me why every cab driver is so pissed? Did you think you were giving sober rides all night? And again, no one knows how to split 18 dollars up in 6 different ways, it’s just astronomical. But I digress, the night was coming to a close, and ended with a solid Super Smash Bro’s rumble on N64, yes on a bigscreen TV, I know, so college. All couch sleeping positions were awarded to the winner of individual Rock-Paper-Scissors tournaments. And sleep ensued around 4 or 5. The locals took us to the ever-famous hangover spot, the local diner. This place was great, a few characters, some good eggs and toast, and your ideal heart-of-gold waitress. We left the spot and proceeded to head back to what we call home, given there were three of us in the car, I shottied backseat and caught a full 2-hours of Z’s, call it what you want, I earned that shit.

         Well there you have it, the first installment of THE U report. And I’ve got to say, maybe I expected a little crazier of UMass, but I will definetly be back. Now remember kids, Stay Wise™, stay thirsty, and adios.

Next weekend Keene State Pumpkin Fest, Let’s get it baby.

– Sharpe Callaway


Got any of your own crazy campus stories? Send em in and we’ll see if they are crazy enough for the hall of fame at SharpeCallaway@yahoo.com